Saturday, September 10, 2011

On Ten Years Since 9/11

In my mind today, no time has passed since 9/11.  There is no memory, no moment in my life as seared on my thoughts as the moments that transpired that morning as I watched the towers in smoke and then hit again by Islamic terrorists.  I had just turned 30 and was downsized from my position at the time, so unfortunately I was at home, watching every moment of 9/11 occur.  It was the most traumatic experience of my life.

Everyone has been through something in life.  I grew up in an unsafe environment and I have some pretty big issues with the feeling of safety. My safety is my first priority so to wake up and watch my country being accosted took the cake.  Luckily my roommate - my brother who I can always depend upon to look after me - was at home so I didn't have to go through the horror of September 11th, alone. The day changed me forever and frankly, traumatized me.  It made me very angry to watch the greatest country on earth get attacked. This is America - it wasn't supposed to happen.  Not here.

I have never been the same since that day.  This is something I need to address with therapy, I realize.  But something is different this year compared to all of the other anniversaries.  Maybe it's been so painful that I've blotted it out all these years and this year, something in me won't.  In the wake of all these resurfaced emotions, I can't watch the 9/11 recaps on TV because they make it worse.  They bring up feelings that are so raw that I can't do anything with them.  The event itself was also... so raw and horrible that it can't and maybe shouldn't be reconciled.  We can't do anything to really "make it all better".  9/11 will never be made better, never be soothed, it can only be ignored and denied by some because it's simply too painful to look at head on.

God bless the people who can look at it head on.  God bless the people who fight terrorism and have taken up arms on behalf of all of us to sustain the freedom and grace that is America. 

There is some comfort in knowing that I can't possibly be alone in feeling this way.  I'm angry about my country being attacked and I don't ever want to pretend that I'm not.

Here are my posts from 2006
That day
New York, Ground Zero

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